zzzze:
“Grete Stern, (1904-1999), Self-portrait, 1943
”

zzzze:

Grete Stern, (1904-1999), Self-portrait, 1943

same

same

i haven’t been on here in forever, but i have something i wrote out and idk if i want to put it on fb.. and then i remembered TUMBLR!!! 

(btw i mentioned a dream with reference to an assault and talk about feeling crazy. heads up 7up) 







had a legit nervous breakdown on thursday.

i woke up like i normally would, but i could feel it in my bones that it was going to be a hard day. i made it to work, and in the middle of my first haircut i started to feel a migraine coming on. my eyesight started getting all funny.. i finished my cut, and the one after it. and they were fucking gorgeous btw. and then i went home to try and fight off the migraine. i couldn’t. i just sat in different places all around my apartment and panicked. it was fucking horrible. all i could think about was all the horrible things i’ve done in my life. i was like, unraveling 31 years or terror, instance by instance. it was… a lot. after HOURS of chaos, i started to get ready for a show. i kept looking at myself in the mirror, and i couldn’t see me. i just saw the bags under my eyes and this like, idk whose eyes i was looking at. i felt like i was on drugs. then cella came over and helped me realize that i was in no shape to finish putting on my bald cap and going to a club. thankfully. i just sat on the floor and cried, while she tried to tell me how i really was, but i couldn’t hear it. finally, i started to come out of it. but i still had one foot in the “i’m worthless garbage” door.

it’s like for 15 years i was just drunk, and didn’t deal with anything i said or did. i mean, i know that i grew and evolved and positively impacted the world around me during that time. but i also masked a lot of myself, i hid in hangovers and treated my anxieties with booze. and now that i took the booze away, it’s like all those little monster are knocking at my door. liiiiiiiterally had dreams that there was a man knocking at my window last night, angry with me because i told the family that he was climbing a tree with, that he raped the girl who lived in the room before me. he was pleading with me in all kinds of calm and rational ways to stop telling people, to go back and tell the family that i was crazy and lied. then, at the bbq next door, his friends were rolling their eyes at me. like, “yeah we know, but look how he dances slow and off beat. he really loves cheeses”.

anyways. i thought the hardest part of not drinking.. would be the not drinking part. but as it turns out, that seems to be the easiest. it’s all these feelings that is the hard part. mmm excpet for this very moment where i just gave myself a wetty thinking about bourbon sliding down the back of my throat. IT’S ALL THESE CHER DAMN FEELINGS! it’s looking at myself for real, and being disappointed. looking at my behaviors and being disgusted.

i know that at some point, i’ll get to look at myself and be proud and in love once again. but rn, it’s hard.

#PUSSYGRABSBACK a lesson in warpaint and self defense by yours truly and @mastertrainerchris
join us thurs jan 5th for a wild night of lipstick how-to and self defense tactics. in these uncertain (but certainly dangerous) times it is more important...

#PUSSYGRABSBACK a lesson in warpaint and self defense by yours truly and @mastertrainerchris
join us thurs jan 5th for a wild night of lipstick how-to and self defense tactics. in these uncertain (but certainly dangerous) times it is more important than ever that we stay true to ourselves - femmes, fags, freaks and flies - and that we stay safe while doing so! come hang out with us and revel in your femininity, faggotry and fierceness and learn how to defend yourself and how to apply the perfect lip!
class is free and open to all!! we’ll be accepting donations at the door and will donate 100% of the proceeds to @plannedparenthood
bring you own lipstick, and bring your friends! spread the word and feel free to dm of you’d like to volunteer or be involved! 🌹✨flyer by @trashvvitch (at Edo Salon)

dyed my hair to match my eyes #nogodsnofilters #electricbanana

ALEPPO UPDATE

weavemama:

The Assad broke the ceasefire and the people in Aleppo are still trapped….. The genocide is continuing and sadly not enough is being done to stop it.

Please help spread awareness or at least give what you can to these organizations:

https://www.syriarelief.org.uk/donate/?aleppo-appeal (Syria Relief)

https://secure.savethechildren.org.uk/donate/emergency?sourcecode=SA4006001&_ga=1.158660734.551543489.1481608383 (Save the Children)

https://donations.islamic-relief.com/? (Islamic Relief Worldwide)

https://app.moonclerk.com/pay/m084arkxtho (Karam Foundation)

http://www.msf.org/en/donate (Doctors Without Borders)

https://peoplesmillion.whitehelmets.org/act/peoples-million/?source=whweb (The White Helmets)

i don’t believe in “the weather”.  i despise when people look it up on their phone and then speak with great authority "it will rain tomorrow”. no one knows what will happen tomorrow; no one knows what cats are thinking.

so busy desperately trying to stay afloat, i forget i fucking LOVE to swim. 

current mood: drowning my sorrows with my other sorrows. looking for a new job. looking through the trash for the credit card offers i threw away last week. googling “how to masturbate for money online”. fantasizing about leaving this piece of shit...

current mood: drowning my sorrows with my other sorrows. looking for a new job. looking through the trash for the credit card offers i threw away last week. googling “how to masturbate for money online”. fantasizing about leaving this piece of shit white washed baby carrots town. 

i forgot i could easily post instagram pics here. and that i even had a here. 

whud up tumblr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

8am day dreaming about dore alley lqqks. should i be a filthy pig or a beautiful flower???? cast your votes TODAY!
#seeyouontheice (at Castro District, San Francisco)

8am day dreaming about dore alley lqqks. should i be a filthy pig or a beautiful flower???? cast your votes TODAY!
#seeyouontheice (at Castro District, San Francisco)

sometimes i like to interview myself - to pretend i’m being interviewed

interviewer: jillian gnarling, you’ve done so well for yourself. accomplished so much with your life, how does it feel?

me: what are you even talking about? all i’ve ever done is interviewed myself. 


(a thought i had while walking down the hallway, high)

dating profile: i don’t like beer. i don’t eat pizza. i’m not obsessed with cats, and i never shave my taint. i don’t have a job and i can’t feel my right arm. i like to drink whiskey, snort booze, and all my friends are drag queens.



(hahahahah going thru my drafts, this was from at least 6 mo ago.)